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Joke of the Day

"I told my kids I'd rather they ""pull the plug"" than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines. So they hid my phone charger."

"My friend asked me if I was ever going to stop singing Wonderwall... I said maybe."

"Why did Scottish baby sneeze? It got week old."

"What do you call a Native family reunion? An alcoholics anonymous meeting."

"ME: Pet it OPTIMUS PRIME: But I'm afraid of it ME: It's just a dog OP: Oh..ok [reaches out] DOG: [sneezes] OP: [transforms into large truck]"

"My girlfriend got mad and said she need some time and distance as she left the house crying... I still don't get it why she wants to calculate the velocity"

"What do you call a Dr. that shares your medical history with everyone? a HIPAAcrite"

"Q: Why shouldn't you listen to people who have just come out of the swimming pool? A: Because they are all wet."

"Beyonce should have her own trampoline company."

"Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There's no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks."