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Joke of the Day

"I'm not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I'll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see."

"Reasons he didn't text you: - He forgot. - He fell asleep. - His phone died. - His pet died. - His GF died. - He died. - He thinks you died."

"What's the best name for an atheist? Godfrey"

"What do you do if an old man asks for a helping hand? He is meaning a hand job so run away!"

"Today i felt like a giant mushroom I get kept in the dark and fed shite"

"*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets* WE ARET HROUGH maybe it's an anagram *rearranges* ROUGH WEATHER whoa better pack an umbrella"

"What are the similarities between a US handgun and a Feminist? 30 of them are triggered every second"

"What's the difference between a physicist and an engineer A physicist says ""E = mc^2"", an engineer asks ""How much mass we talkin?"""

"Nice try, blocked number but I don't even answer the phone for people I know."

"Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us..."