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Joke of the Day

"I was tucking my son in last night, and he tells me that his teacher is ""an idiot"" and she's ""out to get him."" Which is just the last thing you want to hear when your kid's home schooled."

"When an ad says critics are ""raving"" over a movie, I picture them all in a dark warehouse twirling glowsticks & giving each other back rubs."

"I spend a lot of time thinking about you and how you were pretty much good with everything. By you I mean Nutella."

"Why are baby cows considered lunch meat? Because calves are below-knee"

"FUCK YEAH I GOT A CRIMINAL RECORD *smooth criminal blasts an i bust out sick mj moves* ""congrats sir u are now manager of this kfc/taco bell"

"I lost twenty pounds by making sure that three times a week I get a good hour of doing crystal meth"

"If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer."

"What is the difference between a gun and a feminist? A gun only has one trigger"

"me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping? flight attendant: no there's a fire in the cockpit me: oh thank god"

"My 22-year-old cousin: My biggest fear in life is that I won't make a difference, that I'll be insignificant. Me: It's really not that bad"