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Joke of the Day

"If I had a nickel for every time I jerked off... I'd be a jizzillionaire!"

"I bought a locket today and put my own picture in it. Guess now I really am.... Independent"

"If you get butterflies in your stomach You should probably stop eating insects"

"""Anyone can be funny... But I can make you hilarious!"" -Marijuana"

"What did one coconut say to the other? Oh my god a talking coconut!"

"Why do the birthers...? Why do the Birthers care about where Barack Obama was born (Hawaii, not Kenya) and not where Ted Cruz was born (Canada, not Texas)? Because Barack Obama is black."

"A slightly drunk woman is watching tv... She yells, ""Don't go there! Don't go up the stairs! Don't go into the church you dumb bitch!"" Her husband asks, ""What are you watching?"" ""Our wedding video."""

"Autocorrect changed ""baby rattle"" to ""baby battle"" and now I'm googling where to buy tiny weapons."

"A friend told me this one. What's the difference between Windows 8.1 and Windows 10? The start menu."

"What is a crevice that is owned by someone and not allowed to be stepped into? None of your abyss-ness"