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Joke of the Day

"Please don't directly insult people on Twitter. Use passive aggressive, indirect insults only, like a damn adult."

"It's easier to compliment a woman when you're traveling with a toddler. ""Son, say hi to the beautiful lady with the piercing green eyes."""

"Some people get athlete's foot. I get Twitter butt."

"Wha do you call when a whale gets circumcised? A huge disappointment. Edit: give me a T!"

"Jesus Christ walks into a hotel As he walks in, he hands the inn keeper three nails and asks. ""Can you put me up for the night?"""

"How do you know your sister's on her period? Your dad's cock tastes like blood."

"When your kid makes a funny face, say they will stick that way, then show them the thousands of girls with duck lips on Instagram."

"""i used to live in india, now I live in indiana"" ""is there a difference?"" ""na"""

"It's nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates. It'd be even nicer if they'd stop bringing them back home."

"My girlfriend told me I should grow a beard. If I wanted hair on my face, I would go down on her."