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Joke of the Day

"When your kid makes a funny face, say they will stick that way, then show them the thousands of girls with duck lips on Instagram."

"dishes laundry vacuuming dusting me *Things that won't get done today."

"Knock knock... Who's there? Go fuck yourself."

"People in LA are deathly afraid of gluten. I swear to god, you could rob a liquor store in this city with a bagel."

"Why does a blond wear a tight skirt? To keep here legs closed. "

"If your band's name is a plural & it doesn't have a ""the"" in front of it, I will fucking put one there."

"Happy Father's Day! You motherfuckers are alright!"

"why do you put a baby in a blender feet first? So you can cum on its face"

"In light of the DNC event and my own recent experience with the forced install of windows 10.. What do the Clinton's have in common with Bill Gates? They both no longer need your consent."

"Did you hear about the guy who is both a taxidermist and veterinarian? He has a sign on the door that says ""Either way, you get your dog back."""