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Joke of the Day

"Me: you like that? *takes out trash* Wife: ooooh Me *starts vacuuming the living room* Wife: oh my god, don't stop"

"My hobbies include humming the Jurassic Park theme song to my chickens, to make them feel more in touch with their ancestors."

"How do you embaress an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from."

"Did you hear about the Polack that crashed a helicopter? He was getting cold, so he turned off the fan"

"What was the best thing about Jesus' crucifixion? Well, the cross was a big plus"

"Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains? Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?"

"Damn girl, can I get all up in that? I'm sorry, where are my manners. MAY I get all up in that?"

"How good are the showers at Auschwitz? They're to die for."

"My wife is from England so I gave her a good Rogering for Valentine's Day. He just left and she seemed to enjoy it, so... score?"

"""this one should be called hurricane Kanye"" - kanye, every few weeks"