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Joke of the Day

"Ghosts never write encouraging stuff on my mirror. It's always ""KILL"" or ""MURDER"" or ""YOU'RE OUT OF NUTELLA"""

"What do you call a camel without humps? Humphrey."

"My housemate is going away to Oslo. He asked if I wanted to come along but I said Norway."

"Let my legacy to this whole thing be a single outstretched middle finger with fire where a fingernail should be"

"What did the horse say when it fell down? Help! I've fallen and I can't giddy up!"

"Listening to coworkers try and explain Fight Club to another coworker and all I could think was ""we really shouldn't be talking about this""."

"Ants can carry twenty times their own body weight, which is a very useful information.. If you're moving and you need help carrying a potato chip across town."

"Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm."

"I forgot to take my wallet out of my pants in the washer. I have committed money laundering."

"[answering machine] ""Hi Mom, leave a message"""