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Joke of the Day

"Let my legacy to this whole thing be a single outstretched middle finger with fire where a fingernail should be"

"I only drink out of jugs labelled XXX and I carry my money in a big sack with a dollar sign on the side. Everyone thinks I'm cool as hell."

"If everyone had a gun, we wouldn't have to worry about gun violence. This is why war zones are noted for their safety."

"What do you call a shape that's always worried? A paranoid. (Wooo maths jokes)"

"Red Dead Redemption 2 announced! Not. :^ )"

"Cashier: do you need bags? Me: do any of us NEED anything? Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too Me: plastic please"

"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it."

"[2 dogs eating dinner] ""u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great"" [stops chewing] ""why does this taste like chocolate"""

"""Is there a genius in the house?! It's an emergency!"" *I start to get up from table* *wife discretely stops me* *I silently agree with wife*"

"Me: how was your date? Friend: I ruined her panties. M: Wow that's hot man. F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro."