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Joke of the Day

"I've squirted this entire bottle of No More Tears shampoo in this babies face, he's still crying, babysitting is hard."

"Why do melons always have well planned weddings ? They can'telope !"

"Catholic church must be serious. Everything with Mass has gravity, after all."

"Can you say your strengths? ""Your strengths"" No like what are they ""My legs maybe"" No, like for work ""Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication"""

"How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? Not zri, but fuehrer."

"A blonde walked into the dentist office... ...and sat down in a chair. The dentist said: ""Open Wide"" ""I can't"" - The blonde said. - ""This chair has arms"""

"""What's the difference between a blow job and a sandwich?"" Me: ""What's the difference between a blow job and a sandwich?"" Her: ""I don't know"" Me: ""Want to come over to my house for lunch?"""

"Boy, I hate small talk. *coworkers all grimace* He's right behind me isn't he? *Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*"

"me: I bet other husbands don't get put in timeout! wife: I bet they don't put their mother-in-law's phone number on a Craigslist ad either!"

"Happy poops are all alike; every unhappy poop is unhappy in its own way."