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Joke of the Day

"Getting a retweet from someone with 0 followers is like being a beneficiary in a homeless person's will."

"I heard a joke today that made me shit myself. It was just a bit of self-defecating humor."

"If you! Use exclamation points!! This often! I want to! Smother you!! And your enthusiasm! With a pillow!!!"

"Guy cut me off & I shouted, ""you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND."" Cause he needs to know I'm angry, yet progressive."

"To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office... I will find you. You have my Word."

"What's a stoners favorite marker? A Highlighter"

"Me: Hi, mom. I'm feeling tremendous guilt. Mom: Why? Me: Just thought I'd save you the effort."

"I recently went to the funeral of an asshole who bullied me for most of my life..... I wanted to literally see a dick in a box."

"If Bill Clinton gets divorced... Does that mean he's over the Hil?"

"What does Spider-man wear when it gets cold out? A Peter Parka"