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Joke of the Day

"If you! Use exclamation points!! This often! I want to! Smother you!! And your enthusiasm! With a pillow!!!"

"Q: Why did the girl spray her clock? A: It was full of ticks."

"*throws caution to the wind* *wind blows it back in my face at 100 mph*"

"WIFE: [crying] guess what my sister just told me ME: she's a liar WIFE: are you saying her dog didn't die? ME: [wiping sweat] I love you"

"WARNING: If you see posts offering free clips of Justin Bieber's new album, DO NOT CLICK. They link to free clips of Bieber's new album."

"Olive Garden's motto of ""When Youre Here, Youre Family"" makes sense bc I also try to make my family miserable by serving them terrible food."

"People who like shitty lite pop-rock are lucky. They get to hear their favorite music in department stores and at the dentist."

"There is three rings in marriage... The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering"

"Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn't that right, Mistake?"

"I've replaced my neighbors toothpaste with Napalm, and left him a free pack a cigarettes. Now we wait."