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Joke of the Day

"The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was ""I know how to start a fire!"" so nothing you guys say today can scare me."

"If Jesus played soccer, what position would he play? Not on the wing, he doesn't do well with crosses."

"My 10 year old: ""If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did the darkness get there first."" Me: ""What?"""

"if you're ever running late just bring a huge glass of milk along and be drinking it noisily as you walk in and no one will say shit to you"

"How come Landscapers have huge loads? They are always edging."

"Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she's standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I'm good."

"What's the difference between toilet paper and shower curtains? If you answered ""I don't know."" I would like to tell you that I spent all day cleaning that mess up."

"If I'm ever on life support unplug me,, and then plug me back in again,, and see if that works."

"Saw some Mennonites playing Baseball yesterday All I saw was a swing and Amish"

"What is a castrated male's favorite operating system? Unix."