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Joke of the Day

"What's the difference between toilet paper and shower curtains? If you answered ""I don't know."" I would like to tell you that I spent all day cleaning that mess up."

"I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken, and hooked up with a girl dressed as an egg. Things happened but in the end, we answered a life-long question... The chicken came first."

"There are two kinds of people. Those who admit they pee in the shower, and goddamn liars."

"ME: long time no see! I heard you're a doctor FRIEND: I am. what do you do now? ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I'm a writer"

"What happened when the red ship and the blue ship crashed They were marooned"

"""There are plenty more fish in the sea."" Terrible way to console a recently-dumped environmentalist who knows overfishing means otherwise."

"What is the primary job of an alligator? ...make allegations"

"What's a frog's preferred fastener? Rivet."

"*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat* even if you already have a cat, *replaces it with a worse cat*"

"I was brought up as an only child. I enjoyed it, but it used to really piss off my sister."