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Joke of the Day

"*wife wonders where I am in the store* *hears glass shatter* *knows where I am*"

"How can you tell when there's an elephant in your sandwich? When it's too heavy to lift."

"Mumford and Sons next album is just going to be someone rubbing an antique burlap sack against a microphone for an hour."

"Wife just found out my ring tone for her is ""ding dong the witch is dead"" so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO"

"The next time I see a feminist say ""Kill all men""... I'll just reply ""Valar dohaeris""."

"I was talking to the anorexic cannibal.. I told him self-indulgence isn't the answer and he needs to face his problems. He threw up his arms and walked away."

"how many calories does hating your job burn"

"A favourite high school teacher's go-to Knock Knock joke. Knock knock. *-Who's there?* Interrupting cow. *-Interrup-* **MOO**"

"I'd rather watch a four hour montage of old Russian men eating soup than have a toddler throw a tantrum in a Target."

"What do you call a Canadian pimp? Jose (hoes eh?)"