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Joke of the Day

"What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water? It may take me a while to get hardI just got laid last night."

"Today, I'm happy to say I am 12 years sober! Unfortunately it was only the first 12 years of my life and I've been drunk ever since."

"What do the letters G, I, T, N, H, N & O have in common? nothing"

"The doctor said to the patient We had to remove a part of your anus Patient- will I be any different? Doctor-Just less of an asshole Edit 1- Changed rectum to anus, credit u/RigorMortis76"

"Halloween and Valentine's day are pretty much the same thing... people dress up and pretend to be someone they're not for some sugar"

"A boring midget asked for advice picking up the ladies I said all you need to do is get a little personality"

"Things I need now because of Twitter: 1. A cat 2. A beard 3. Printer for Avis 4. Duct tape 5. Rope 6. Gas card"

"I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti, and a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work."

"Why did the lizard use viagra? He had a reptile dysfunction! Credit goes to Gilbert Gottfried"

"Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Spongebob Squarepants"