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Joke of the Day

"'No you can't have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.' -Moms"

"What did one plate say to the other? ""Lunch is on me."""

"My greatest fear on Monday is greeting someone and asking someone how their weekend went and they actually telling me every mundane details about it."

"Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me ""Where the hell are you?"""

"Boss: Why aren't you working? Me: I didn't see you coming!"

"Why can't Monday get a girlfriend? Because it always comes to fast"

"People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves."

"Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis."

"I once knocked out a Champion Boxer... I'm still banned from Crufts."

"What is the driest soda you can buy? Baking soda."