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Joke of the Day

"I follow my mother's advice and make little things count... Although I'm not sure if she meant me teaching midgets math."

"They ran out of bread at the Indian restaurant, but it turned out nobody cared. It was a naan issue."

"Jesus walked on water, but Stephen Hawking runs on batteries"

"[home depot] employee[yelling]: YOU CAN'T DO THAT IN HERE me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT"

"What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he was invited to a classical musician theme Halloween party? I'll be Bach."

"NURSE: do you have any allergies ME: burnt bread NURSE: you're allergic to burnt bread? ME: yes I'm black toast intolerant"

"Two parallel lines match on tinder But they never meet."

"A photon both raises his hand and shouts ""Goodbye!"" It's a wave and a parting call."

"The authorities just apprehended a notorious cereal killer. When they asked him why he did it, he said... ... he did it for the Kix."

"My upstairs landlord asked if screams were coming from my apt or if she was dreaming. Either way, one of us has a terrifying neighbor."