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Joke of the Day

"I follow my mother's advice and make little things count... Although I'm not sure if she meant me teaching midgets math."

"Why are TVs attracted to people? Because people turn them on"

"(Calm down, this isn't a racist joke.) How do you find will smith in a snowstorm? (Not a racist joke!) You look for the fresh prints!"

"*posts picture of the saddest meal of all time, a big plate of dry meat and weirdly burnt vegetables* it's so sad that some guys can't cook."

"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did - in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car."

"I thought of this joke while at work today, tell me what you think! Why can't two jealous people talk on the phone together? It is always an insecure line!"

"What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air? A dead centipede."

"If Bruce Wayne was Jewish, would he have had a bar mitzvah or a bat mitzvah?"

"Me:*delete pics* IPhone: you sure? M:Yes IP: Ok I'll just put them over here Me:delete them IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho"

"Have you ever eaten at that Ethiopian restraunt? There portions are like..nothing."