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Joke of the Day

"My upstairs landlord asked if screams were coming from my apt or if she was dreaming. Either way, one of us has a terrifying neighbor."

"Blood's thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking."

"According to WebMD, I have a Client Error due to 400 Bad Request."

"World Health Org says that Roundup weedkiller ""probably"" causes cancer... Monsanto needs to make a Roundup Ready human."

"Kinda messed up that marijuana is just a plant. Like, what other plants are drugs? *tries to smoke a carrot* Yea I guess I'm feelin it"

"What diploma do criminals get? The third degree."

"What do you call a blond that dyed her hair brown? Artificial Intelligence"

"I've had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat."

"I just got kicked out of my local Laser Tag and the police were called. Apparently stabbing somebody to save ammo is not allowed."

"Someone asked me why all of my Instagram photos look so funny. It must be my Selfie Shtick."