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Joke of the Day

"The problem with other people's money. The problem with other people's money is that it's tainted. 'tain't yours and 'tain't mine."

"Why did the airplane no longer work? Because it was **terminal**ly ill. I'll show myself out."

"Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight. Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President."

"[being strapped to a medieval torture table] ""tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack"""

"[closes kitchen drawer gently and looks at son] I wasn't here *wife walks in with police officer* ""did you take a knife to a job interview"""

"You know, I frankly don't find Isaac Newton's work all that original. I mean, half of his works were all derivatives anyway."

"*Frankenstein arrives with his monster at a bodybuilding contest* ""Oh, you meant... you meant it like... ugh. Well that was a waste of time"""

"hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER"

"I was getting a handjob from this blind hooker... She told me: WOW! This is the biggest dick I have ever felt! I said ""No way! You're pulling my leg!"""

"Somebody asked Hillary Clinton if she would be going to see 13 hours... She said no, she had already slept through that one."