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Joke of the Day

"So an interviewer asked me where I saw myself in 5 years How should I know, I don't have 20/20 vision!"

"I'm not high! - high people I'm not drunk! - drunk people I'm not lying! - lying people I'm not gay! - my brother"

"When someone looks at your baby pictures and jokingly says ""Aww you were so cute! What happened?"" Bitch, I got sexy, that's what happened."

"I was having dinner with my folks when dad called me a son of a bitch. I said, ""Listen, I don't disagree--but she's sitting right THERE."""

"They say behind every great man is a great woman. Never been that into pegging though."

"I just watched a puppy do something really cute. It was like a real life YouTube video."

"It's not that I don't know how to juggle... I just don't have the balls to do it."

"No thanks, babies. If I'm going to let something inside of my body that's going to destroy my figure, it'll be cheese, bread and booze."

"Who shot the sheriff in Jurassic park? DepuT- Rex..."

"How do you circumcuse a whale? You send four skin divers down to it"