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Joke of the Day

"Did you hear the amusement park was offering free bungee jumping? No strings attached!"

"How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One to do it before it gets cool, and one to talk about how much better the old one used to be."

"What did Cholera say to Malaria? Are you gonna Jaundice on Saturday?"

"Wife: He's just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused Psychiatrist: Is this true? Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?"

"Doctor & Patient F Doctor: ""I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."" Patient: ""What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"" Doctor: ""Nine."""

"My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter... Now I'm lucky if she buys cereal."

"How do you get a pool player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza."

"He goes out for a run, and doesn't even stop to sniff any crotches. Humans are weird. ~Dogs."

"Everybody thinks Australians are laid back until one of us is standing over you with a chainsaw asking you to pronounce Aluminium correctly."

"My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer."