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Joke of the Day

"My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter... Now I'm lucky if she buys cereal."

"I'm usually more of a Samantha but sometimes I am such a Carrie, like when a bucket of blood got dumped on my head at prom"

"2 cats smoke catnip and lay around, discussing Plato's Allegory of the Cave. ""What if the laser pointer is just a projection?"""

"How do you restore your body back to 'factory settings'? Is it kale? it's kale, isn't it? please don't say kale."

"What's a pirates favorite thing to knit? Scaaaaaarrves"

"What do you call a cow that's swallowed a stick of dynamite? Abominable."

"What do you call a deer with one good eye? A good idear..."

"Americans: Muslims are so violent Me: ok but police co- Americans: shut up. Don't judge a group of people based off a select few."

"Women are like cars... Only the broken ones stick around."

"What is the definition of irony? Having a democratic debate in a city that was destroyed by over 50 years of democratic rule."