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Joke of the Day

"What did the male titanic say to the female titanic? Nothing he just broke the ice."

"I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties."

"Three old women are sitting on a porch. The first one says ""Oy."" The second one says ""Oy vey."" The third one says ""I thought we weren't going to talk about the children."""

"[if my cat tweeted] When ""over 38"" is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone."

"I have an EpiPen I don't need it but I always keep it for sentimental value. A friend of mines gave it to me as he was dying, I don't know why but it seemed very important to him I had it."

"Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob ""Perfect!"" Thanks ""What's his last name?"" Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants"

"[begin metajoke] What did the drunk Chinese customer say to the bartender? No have to cut me off. Fall off barstool by myself. [end metajoke]"

"What do you call a group of undead police officers? Zombie Acopalypse"

"I bet the Presidential Seal gets to eat all the fish he wants."

"I don't trust umbrellas. They're shady."