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Joke of the Day

"New diet plan: murder all the skinny people."

"As a child, 'The Jetsons' gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog."

"Ancient Chinese proverb: man who go to bed with itchy bottom, wake up with smelly finger."

"My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings: 1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking"

"Waitress: ""Hi, my nam-"" Me: ""Vodka martini, please."""

"Hi, you've reached my voicemail. Why didn't you text me? I'll never call you back. Like, ever. You'd have better luck with a telegram."

"Why can lesbians leave town faster than gay men? A lesbian can just lickitey-split, a gay man has to pack his shit first."

"Guys are a little like bears, if you lay very still they'll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food."

"I texted her ""Thankin bout ur butt"" I don't know how much more romantic you can be"

"Toddlers always feel like the floor of a movie theater."