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Joke of the Day
"Waitress: ""Hi, my nam-"" Me: ""Vodka martini, please."""
Next Joke
"Damn girl are you a smoke detector? Because you're super annoying and won't shut up"
"I wanted to tell a joke about a blind people.. ..I figured they wouldn't see it."
"At any given time, the urge to sing ""The lion sleeps tonight"" is just a whim away a whim away, a whim away, a whim away..."
"Did you hear about the guitarist who locked his keys in his van? It took him 2 hours to get his drummer out."
"FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water."
"Simon: I wrote a song Garfunkel: *reads lyrics* Garfunkel: ""I am a rock. I am an island"" dude I'm like right here. I thought we were friends"
"My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking ""Do you want these nuts?"" and I'm not mature enough to be a parent."
"I didnt know what to wear to my first meeting of the premature ejaculation society.... ...so i came in my pants."
"*first astronaut lands on Mars* NASA: How does it feel son? Astronaut: Feels pretty good to be 33 million miles away from Dave Matthews Band"