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Joke of the Day

"For years I've been wiping my arse with my right hand. I now realise that I should have been using toilet paper."

"Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes."

"Her: Let's read your horoscope... Do you believe in astrology? Me: No. That's such a scam. Well, at least that's what my psychic says."

"Biologist screws up: Mutant killer virus Physicist screws up: Deadly black hole Geologist screws up: Rock on table is now rock on floor"

"When I die I'd like to be cremated I think I've urned it."

"D'you want to hear a spoiler for the Jumanji remake? Robin Williams dies"

"As it turns out, if you're with a group of people, it's ""Christmas caroling."" If you do it alone it's ""creating a public nuisance."""

"[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology] [2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]"

"My wife wanted me to lose weight, so I dropped 120 pounds But she got right back up again. She can take a hell of a punch, my wife."

"Why does it take Sarah Palin so long to get ready in the morning? Because she has two faces."