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Joke of the Day

"My wife wanted me to lose weight, so I dropped 120 pounds But she got right back up again. She can take a hell of a punch, my wife."

"Tip: if you don't want comedians weighing in on politics.... ...don't elect a joke. (Credit to Bo Burnham)"

"When you're sad, no one sees your tears. When you're happy, no one sees your smile. But try jacking off in the subway. Then *everybody* stares."

"Knock Knock Who's there? The Pilot"

"If you're looking to learn how to get rich, I recommend reading this book How to get rich, by Robin Banks."

"This idiot from Apple reckons that the ""Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down"" warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies"

"Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it's truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel."

"Is there anyone besides Jesus Christ who has the privilege of having his name double as a swear?"

"Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes...but it's right."

"Why did the guitarist get arrested? He was arrested for fingering a minor"