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Joke of the Day

"How many times do I have to tell you this Mom? I have thousands of fans who need to know my thoughts. So, no I can't take out the garbage."

"In Texas we pronounce it ""nu-que-lur"" I'm often harassed about how I pronounce nuclear but I think fair is fair. If Yankees can have silent letters I don't see how come we can't have invisible ones!"

"I parked in the ""C"" section of the parking lot. So, naturally, I had to climb out of the sunroof."

"*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*"

"What has two legs and screams... half a dog."

"Did you hear about the guy who opened a cheese store in Israel? He called it ""Cheeses of Nazareth""."

"My first time... My first time having sex and playing football were a lot alike... When it was all said and done I was exhausted bruised and bloody... But atleast my dad came..."

"Did you hear about the new show about Xi Jinping, Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin? It's called [Removed]"

"""I'm hungry!"" says your sister... ""Hi Hungry, I'm Dad"" your father replies Two hours later, your dad says, ""I'm fucking hungry!"""

"I'm in shape. Round is a shape isn't it"