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Joke of the Day

"How many times do I have to tell you this Mom? I have thousands of fans who need to know my thoughts. So, no I can't take out the garbage."

"I gotta stop living every day like it could be my last. The hangovers are killing me..."

"I'm torn on what i really think about masturbation. on one hand it feels good."

"What did socialists use before candles? Light bulbs."

"im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i'll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!"

"If Trump and Hillary were stranded on a boat, who would survive?? America."

"Q: What does a bankrupt frog say? A: ""Baroke baroke baroke."""

"What did Truman Burbank's father say to him? Don't you worry don't you worry child, Seahaven's got a plan for you"

"One of my terrorist friends decided to bomb our only good coffee machine in all of Yemen... Pissed as hell, he said he hates french press"

"I want to meet the actors who get turned down to act in infomercials. Then I would ask them how their brother Alec Baldwin is doing."