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Joke of the Day

"A gentler Tarantino movie where the two tough hoods argue about whether Peter Gabriel or Phil Collins was a better lead singer in Genesis."

"Doc: I'm afraid you got 6 months to live Me: Why are YOU afraid? Doc: I'm not Me: You said you were Doc: I lied. You got a month. HAPPY NOW?"

"Apparently you can survive just by eating plants. That's something I haven't herbivore."

"So an old-timer goes out for breakfast... And the young whippersnapper of a waiter asks ""What will you have, Sir?"" ""Bacon my day, sonny!"" [Sorry/notsorry - it's how my mind works]"

"*Runs fingers over Braille calendar* Is this a date? It feels like a date."

"Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy."

"How many frames per second does it take to screw in a light bulb? 30 because that's peasants work."

"What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scottish sheep farmer? One says, 'Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!' The other says 'Hey! MacLeod! Get off of my ewe.'"

"Procrastination is like masturbation... It feels good at first, but in the end, you realize that you just fucked yourself."

"JUDGE: So to be clear, you're pleading not guilty to stealing the child's shoes? ME: [heelies up to the mic] That's correct"