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Joke of the Day

"It's the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it."

"Elf cop:""We got a robbery in progress on Candy Cane lane. Hit the light Rudolf! *Rudolf sticks nose through sunroof*"

"Why did the cowboy adopt the weiner dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy!"

"Why are there no Jewish male pedophiles? Because not even the pleasure of hard candy is enough to make them spend a dollar on grooming a child."

"A popular Muslim wants into a new bar That place really blew up"

"What does the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common? They're both en route to uranus to wipe out the klingons"

"My doctor told me to start killing people. Well not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing."

"Enough Holocaust jokes. My grandfather died at Auschwitz. Just kidding. He was there though."

"Daughter: ""I wish you were a better listener."" Me: ""I wish you were more interesting."" Daughter: ""Don't tweet that."" Me: ""I won't."""

"What's Chris Martin's favorite drink? Apple Martini"