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Joke of the Day

"[soldier making lunch] Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]"

"To the fat people who get offended when someone makes a fat joke, I have two words for you: Lighten up."

"The early bird might get the worm... But the second mouse gets the cheese."

"Dolphins are really smart. Within a few weeks of captivity they can train people to stand on the edge of the pool and feed them."

"What did the Duck say to the Prostitute? ""Put it on my bill"""

"The scene in lady and the tramp but as our lips meet I carry on sucking. You feel the pasta travel back up your throat. My pasta My. Pasta"

"What's the difference between reading the Bible and talking shit? None."

"If a tattoo artist... If a tattoo artist does an absolutely perfect tattoo on only one butt cheek, is that still considered a half-ass job?"

"How does Snoop Dogg keep his shirts so white? BLE-YATCH!"

"What should you call a polite friendly kind good looking monster? A failure."