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Joke of the Day

"5 Years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that same girl to marry me. Both times she said no"

"I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants."

"Why do people wish they had a nickel for every time something happens instead of 5 MILLION DOLLARS?"

"""Eat my pussy, you salty whore!"" Said the chef working at a Chinese food restaurant to the prostitute who just spilled her salt on herself and was reluctant to eat the meal before her."

"wife *resting after surgery* me wife me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn't have any that said ""Get Well Soon"""

"My innocent look never works in the nude."

"My boyfriend said he had a Catwoman fantasy. I must have misunderstood because we both wore leather cat suits to bed last night. Awkward."

"*drinks small coffee after 8pm* *spends rest of life on internet*"

"What's white and in the men's 100m track final? The lines."

"Did you hear about that actress that murdered her husband? Reese...I can't remember her last name. She was in the Johnny Cash movie... *Witherspoon?!?* No...of course not! She used a knife!"