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Joke of the Day

"""I'm in the best shape of my life!"" -Newborn baby"

"I saw an advert that read: ""Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full."" I thought to myself, I can't turn that down."

"What do you call a japanese homeless guy? Tokyo Drifter"

"Since Fall Out Boy broke up I want to start a female group called Fall Down Girl. There's no singing, we just get wasted and fall down a lot"

"tight pants What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common? no ballroom."

"I can't stand pedophiles. They're fucking immature assholes."

"Her: are you single? [flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek] Me: haha idk"

"How do you get Amy Schumer, Rosie O'donnell and Lena Dunham to move to Canada? Piece of cake."

"My kid swallowed a torch today... It's ok - it was removed and now he's delighted."

"I asked God whether or not to open a brothel He replied ""build it and they will come""."