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Joke of the Day

"My wife and I have an agreement with our 7 year old daughter Don't wake us up early on the weekend and we won't abandon you in a mall"

"Why is it that when your dog brings you things he's killed it's cute, but when I do it we have to get the police involved?"

"you cannot glue a tomato back together with tomato paste believe me I've tried"

"*holding banana up to my ear as if it's a phone* haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i'm n-*banana rings* oh crap"

"What happened when the dog went to the flea circus ? He stole the show !"

"I bought a new flat last week... I use it as my spare."

"I don't know why people are upset about the Florida night club incident. I would love to get free shots at my local bar!"

"My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs.. I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber."

"If you don't have anything nice to say, tweet that sh*t."

"If the FBI needs to get into someones's iPhone without permission.. They should just call U2 and ask how they did it"