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Joke of the Day

"When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram."

"Why haven't you introduced me to your followers yet? Are you ashamed of me?"

"What's the difference between a slice of toast and the French? You can make soldiers out of a slice of toast."

"2015:hey how's it going so far? 2016:uh good 15: 16: 15:you've got an armed mili- 16:we've got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah"

"I hate watching termites. They're boring."

"Two flies are on a toilet seat. One gets pissed off."

"Having heard that Steve Jobs is in hospital with only his Ipad to comfort him I've decided to release the cure for pancreatic cancer into the public domain. But only in flash."

"What do cat actors say on stage ? Tabby or not tabby !"

"A Reddit mod deleting their account during controversy and creating a new one is like... the Reddit CEO"

"If the car in front of me were moving any slower, it'd be Paris Hilton's thought process."