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Joke of the Day

"How do people in the movies dig 6-foot deep graves with a shovel? I got tired digging a hole to plant a bush"

"You call it laziness', I call it laziness' too because I don't feel like coming up with an alternate excuse."

"[iphone vibrates] 3yo: daddy someone is texting you [landline phone rings] 3yo: what is that sound?"

"My girlfriend asked me why I was sitting with the eggs... I couldn't find my whisk, and if you can't beat them, you might as well join them..."

"There are two types of people on Reddit Karmanaut and Unidan"

"Going to sleep: It's so cold in here, I'm totally wearing these socks to bed Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME"

"ok honey, you're going to love this movie. all you need to know is that ""robocop"" is short for ""robot cop"""

"What did the Chinese guy think about assisted suicide? He was worried about the euthanasia..."

"Everyone had heard of the Ronald McDonald house for abused children..... Now they're opening the tempura house for lightly battered women."

"What does the sign on a closed brothel say? Beat it. We're closed."