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Joke of the Day

"[iphone vibrates] 3yo: daddy someone is texting you [landline phone rings] 3yo: what is that sound?"

"It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them."

"Microsoft tech support called me last night as a indian, I said ""Sorry your calling Indian Tech Support"""

"Did you know that Erwin Schrodinger's funeral was closed casket? He was buried (|Dead> + |Alive>) / sqrt(2)"

"I was on a date with a girl at the cinema. We both put our hands into the popcorn at the same time, so to make it less awkward, I said, ""Don't worry, that's not the one I masturbate with."""

"I guess you could say One Direction went two directions. I'll see myself out."

"Daddy, why is grandma so bitter? I don't know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful"

"Why don't women need drivers licenses Because there is no road from the kitchen to the bedroom"

"Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end!!!"

"Helium walks into a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender says ""Sorry. We don't serve noble gases here"". He doesn't react."