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Joke of the Day

"When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry. Neither of us has slept in 16 years."

"What has two thumb drives full of porn and forgot his laptop was hooked up to the projector?"

"What do priests and zits have in common? They bost bust on 12 year Olds faces"

"What's the difference between a star and America? The star has a bright future."

"Alone floating on a raft in the pool. Asked the neighbor to call my home phone and ask someone to bring me a beer. Work smarter not harder."

"Fun fact: if you say ""I did the math,"" nobody argues with you because they don't want to have to redo the math themselves."

"[interview] HIM: What are your strengths? ME: Well, I can see dead people. HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies? ME: Grave digging"

"What do you make with an Avogadro? Guaca-MOL-e"

"What kind of bees make milk? Boo-bees."

"""Is there a Mr. Fields?"" I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she's all mine."