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Joke of the Day

"Had a three-way on Valentine's night... Me and Ben & Jerrys. I'm so lonely."

"I'm opening a store that specializes in selling automatic weapons. It's called Bloodbath & Beyond"

"Those Valentine's Day displays at the entrance of every store are like surprise parties for your loneliness."

"For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds...don't get her a bathroom scale. Nope."

"Lazy People Fact #5812672793 You were too lazy to read that number."

"When i'm hungry I eat food."

"My parents asked me if I wanted to watch Dumb and Dumber with them tonight.. When I went downstairs the debate was on."

"Marital problems ""You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?"" Always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me."

"What does a nine-volt battery and a woman's asshole have in common? Eventually, you're going to put your tongue on both."

"Anyone wanting to hide information from me should just put it in a spreadsheet and email it to me."