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Joke of the Day

"Doctor: It's been weeks since we restored your vision. Thoughts? ""I can't believe that British guy from the Geico commercials is a lizard."""

"Less than 1 month without a pope.... .....and we've already cured HIV."

"Car alarms would be a lot more effective if they sounded like two people fighting. I'd peak out my window for that."

"They were having a sale at the hospital for vasectomies... It was a package deal."

"Look, this is the only body I'll ever have and that is why I'm covering it in a thick layer of fat to protect it."

"Yo mama so fat, her gravity bends space-time."

"[Clinic waiting room] Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??! Nurse: Sir don't shout that! Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?"

"Dolphins are just Sharks who watch Glee."

"My biological clock must be off.. I'm getting morning wood in the evening"

"When dared to pull someone's finger, make sure you're not in a restroom & that it's indeed a finger you've been asked to pull."