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Joke of the Day

"What's the best thing about having a girlfriend who is addicted to Starbucks? You'll never forget her name."

"What do you call a boat whose captain has no idea what he's doing and works for free? The Internship"

"TIL that in some states, graffiti vandals are fined $100-200 per letter. So if you make a whole bunch of letters, you could end up with a hefty sentence."

"Are you danish Because im going to leave a denmark on that ass"

"I measure my kids' ages in terms of percent complete out of eighteen years. My kids are 22% and 38%."

"[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars] ""Hey--"" *points to shooting star* ""You've put on a lot of weight."""

"The Cheesecake Factory had a ""Help Wanted"" sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn't to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems"

"Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?"

"When someone's all, ""Words cannot begin to describe ..."" I'm all YES THEY CAN YOU HAVE A LIMITED VOCABULARY."

"(NSFW) A friend of mine started dating a girl with special needs. Everyone is saying how sweet it is but I think he's fucking retarded."