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Joke of the Day

"[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars] ""Hey--"" *points to shooting star* ""You've put on a lot of weight."""

"Jesus came to me the other night Please let me out."

"Won't do that again Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call ""shotgun"" before boarding a plane."

"What do you get when you cross a female tyrannosaur with a male tyrannosaur? Tyrannosaurus Sex! *I apologize deeply, I'm so...so sorry*"

"What is the difference between a young man and an old man? The young man shampoos his head and soaps his ass, the old man soaps his head and shampoos his ass."

"Whenever I tell someone I'm Russian they tell me to slow down."

"I can't believe it. I saw on the news where a midget got pick pocketed in broad daylight...how could anyone stoop so low?"

"- I'd like to make a reservation. - Name? - Matthew McConaughey. - Can you spell that for me? - No."

"Yet another Clinton picks heads Over tail."

"I ordered the CliffsNotes version of Snooki's book and they sent me a bar menu, a printout of the urban dictionary and an STD pamphlet."