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Joke of the Day

"One day we'll open Twitter & it'll just say: Thanks for playing! Hope you enjoyed this social experiment. Now apologise to your loved ones."

"Nothing like an old high school crush finding you & friending you on Facebook because he needs cows or some shit for Farmville."

"Today I bought cupcakes without sprinkles. Diets are hard."

"The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that's just about to happen anyway."

"me: can I buy you a drink? girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one me: [spits in it] How about now?"

"How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."

"Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in ""I recommend the squirrel""."

"Farmer Jones bought a herd of pigs from a Roman farmer who moved into the next valley and boy is he sorry. The hogs won't come to the feed trough unless he calls them in Pig Latin."

"My GPS just did a shoulder shrug and said, ""uhm, take a left here?"" This can't be good."

"""Hey can I do it?"" Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out"