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Joke of the Day

"My girlfriend broke up with me after I said she's half the person I am... I weigh 240 pounds, not sure why she got so mad."

"U2 are one of Ireland's most successful bands. Or according to their tax returns, one of Netherlands' least successful hardware store owners."

"Today, coworker deemed herself ""unscareable"". Now I have no choice but to hide in the backseat of her car with an axe & correct her grammar."

"How did the clock get cancer? Second-hand smoke!"

"Listen, I might be 320 pounds but my doctor says I have the heart of a 20 year old athlete. Thank god he'd signed a donor card."

"*Murderer points a gun at me* ""You wanna die today"" Me: ""Yeah kinda"" Murderer: *lowers gun* damn, you wanna talk about it?"

"The E. coli in the city water supply means I am just one glass away from my goal weight."

"Why aren't there any B batteries? Because people might think you have a stutter."

"In mother Russia..... .... Joke is you."

"Some (Hopefully OC) poem I thought of while lounging around. There once was a man named Larry Whose stomach detested dairy He had ice cream Harmless it seemed But next afternoon he was buried"