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Joke of the Day

"me: can I buy you a drink? girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one me: [spits in it] How about now?"

"9: The remote isn't working me: Did you smack it? 9: Yep me: Did you push the button down really hard? 9: Yep me: Well I'm out of ideas"

"The first gay couple has married in Ireland. Please send best regards to Gerald Fitzpatrick who wedded Patrick Fitzgerald."

"*adult mutant ninja turtles sit in the kitchen doing taxes* you guys wanna smoke a joint? ""were not teens anymore dude"" *donatello sobs*"

"[nsfw] What's worse than 10 dead babies nailed to a tree? 1 dead baby nailed to 10 trees."

"What did the chicken say ? What did they chicken say to his friends after being sent to the hospital after failing to cross the road ?. Don't worry ill get over it."

"Grampa: Back in my day, we slept on broken glass, you dunno how lucky you are. Me: Grampa, please. We have Twitter, at least you GOT sleep."

"I met a girl who was into leather and bondage. She tied me up and stole my wallet."

"Why did the chicken cross the road? To go look for his flatmate."

"My son complained to me that his yogurt was too soupy. I told him to suck it up."