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Joke of the Day

"The difference between sex and pumpkin carving? In pumpkin carving, one is trying to get all of the seeds out."

"1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby 2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us"

"People always look at me weird when I argue with my food, but what can I say? I cook a mean steak."

"Don't ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like ""always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."""

"""Hands up, don't shoot!"" cried the protester ""Take what you want, just don't kill me"" whimpered the store manager, dropping his gun and ending the terse standoff."

"How do you make an elephant float? Take one elephant, two tons of ice cream, and one ton of soda. Blend."

"Like a recovering crack addict, my computer is broken & I can only use others in small doses. A little facebook goes a long way. *twitch*"

"In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements."

"Why did the chicken cross the bridge? To get away from the Turkey coop."

"What do you call a treehouse full of women you despise? A country."