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Joke of the Day

"Things to get done: Make coffee, Drive a train high on cocaine, Rent a lion to eat my neighbor's dog, clean up mess from that lion thing."

"The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: ""Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago."""

"What's the difference between a Japanese person and a cannibal? One eats Ramen, the other eats Raw Men"

"How are the Oakland Raiders like the mailman? Neither one delivers on Sunday!"

"I'd run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me."

"Hey. Do these camo pants make me look fatigued?"

"I was caught stalking David Cameron today I told the police that I was simply following the political movement."

"My niece just said ""Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!"" Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter."

"I don't think Major Tom was much of an astronaut - Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That's pretty basic stuff."

"What is the worst part about the Orlando massacre? Finding out that your son was gay."