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Joke of the Day

"wife: I was saving that me [eating bacon] It expires today *wife checks package* *sees I crossed out the date and wrote ""today""*"

"Darling, will you catch me if I jump into the water?' Darling, if I say yes, will you jump?"

"What's the difference between a doctor and God? God doesn't walk around thinking he's a doctor."

"When people ask ""what do you do"" I try to seem normal by saying things like ""Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there."""

"Him:You married? Me:Aww You think I'm that pretty? H:Ma'am just filling out your pape- M:SO I'M UGLY? H:I'll tell the therapist to hurry"

"It's getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don't want you to get dehydrated. -Nervous Nelly"

"Q: What do you call a cracked window? A: A pane in the glass."

"'I'm not going to school today' Alexander said to his mother. 'The teachers bully me and the boys in my class don't like me.' 'Why ?' 'Firstly you're 35 years old. Secondly you're the principal.'"

"I was kicked out of the military because I got gonorrhea It was a dishonorable discharge"

"I went to the doctor today. He told me I was fat. I said I wanted a second opinion. He says, Okay, you're ugly."