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Joke of the Day

"wife: I was saving that me [eating bacon] It expires today *wife checks package* *sees I crossed out the date and wrote ""today""*"

"Feel sorry for Julio Cesar tonight. Last time I saw a Brazilian facing this many shots he was jumping a ticket barrier at Stockwell."

"ME: seen the loch ness monster? HER: it's not real M: *unzips pants* wanna bet? H: *rolls eyes* sure M: k i'll pee and then we'll google it"

"Being football fans ... Why do all the trees in Wisconsin lean to the south ? Because Minnesota blows & Chicago sucks"

"The most embarrassing thing for a kangaroo is accidently hopping into another kangaroo's pouch who then hops into a 3rd kangaroo's pouch"

"I'm dressing up as Bernie Sanders for halloween I'm going to take the candy from the rich kids and give it all to the poor ones"

"What did the bunny say to the frog? [My name is Rabbit, not ribbit!!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYkDxsaHlkg)"

"I'm 5'3. I may be short but I have a HUGE personality....disorder."

"Q: What do prisoners use to call each other? A: Cell phones."

"How do crazy people get through the forrest? They take the psycho path."