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Joke of the Day

"in high school i dated a girl that pronounced the L in Salmon. last i heard of her she was doing meth"

"[comes home from store] Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess... earmuffs were on sale? Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?"

"Why is Santa a terrible sexual partner? Because he doesn't exist"

"A soldier keeps a mug upside down and tells the sergeant: - I can't drink from this mug. It has no opening. The sergeant examines the mug and says: - You are right. And besides this it has no bottom."

"Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired."

"When the lumberjacks sawed down the tree where did the Gorilla hiding in the uppermost branches land? Nearby - the Ape-lle doesn't fall far from the tree!"

"Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head? Him: That's nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years."

"Officer: I'll need to see a photo ID. Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That's me in the corner. That's me in the spotlight."

"The Ikea corporation was found not guilty yesterday for assassinating a rival companies CEO. While there were several damning pieces of evidence, the detectives couldn't seem to put the case together."

"iPad Apple will be unveiling a larger iPad. Proctor & Gamble is set to file suit over trademark infringements over Apple's new Max iPad."